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REVIEW: Halloween

How much I enjoyed it: B+           How “good” of a movie was it: B           Overall Grade: B+ Worth Seeing in Theatres: YES

If you’re looking for a crap your pants this is terrifying type of scary movie than I’d say this one isn’t for you. While you do see some pretty insane deaths in some pretty epic fashions accompanied by a whole lotta blood, it just doesn’t compare to the absurdly terrifying movies coming out these days like The Nun or It. The reason Halloween doesn’t compare to those movies is the same reason it’s so entertaining: it’s real. Maybe not realistic, but everyone that dies in this movie gets killed by a big messed up dude who just likes a good old fashioned murder, not by a demon nun or a demon clown.

That dude is Michael Myers. And Michael Myers, even at the tender age of 61, is a bad, bad man. I don’t have an official height and weight on this chump but just spitballing I’d put him at a clean 6’4, 250lbs. Ballpark 315 bench with some SERIOUS Dad strength and a high motor. My favorite part about this movie is that you really don’t know anything about this guy, the main character of the movie, besides that he likes to crack necks and not cash checks. I could watch this guy one hand throat grab horny teens like the Undertaker all day long, and that’s exactly what he does.

And then there’s the fact that this movie is somehow hilarious. It definitely takes away from some of the scariness, but I thought the 4 or 5 laugh out loud scenes combined with Michael Myers showing fools who’s boss adds up to a fun, scary, very entertaining movie.

Is it a great movie? No. Honestly the plot is pretty ridiculous. But it’s got great characters, a psycho killer, and a ton of laughs.




Here's to you, insane TV show theory guy

We all know one. A normal enough guy that enjoys the same popular TV shows as you but their theories for the upcoming episodes or seasons are just insanely off the mark. Their theories are so fundamentally wrong that you just let their outlandish claim slide with a “Huh, you know maybe??” because it's not worth the thirty minute explanation that it would take to explain why they're wrong.

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In this day and age, it takes little to no effort to figure out what’s going to happen during the rest of the season. From professional bloggers and journalist to deep diving in subreddits (shout out to r/Westworld), we pretty much have it figured out. I think reddit called the two timeline thing in Westworld by the second or third episode of last season.

I occasionally gloss over the show-predicting-websites to check my theories against the professional nerds and I’d wager that so does the average fan. However, if you think the person I’m talking about does the same then you’d be sadly mistaken. Insane theory guy usually watches any given episode only once, half watching, half refreshing Instagram, and then barbarically shoots from the hip with an absolutely absurd idea. Like “Oh, I think Arya will end up on the Iron Throne” or “I think the Man in Black is actually a robot”. They’re always wrong and everyone within earshot is dumber for having listened to them.

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Though this may frustrate you to no end, and damage your relationship with them forever, I want to take a moment to appreciate the world they live in.

Realistically, there are like 5 different scenarios to the ending of Game of Thrones. All the hardcore fans kinda-sorta know how the show is going to end because they’ve rewatched it so many times and keep up with the tabloids. Since the hardcore fans know all of the accurate and popular theories for the upcoming episodes they basically watch the show for confirmation of what they already knew. Which can take a lot of the shock factor out of big moments. When Jon Snow died and was brought back to life, some people truly believed he was going to stay dead. Those people are watching a completely different 'Game of Thrones' than the rest of us. By remaining comfortably unaware of popular predictions, insane theory guy can just be floored by every new episode because they have no idea what is going on. It would be like riding a roller coaster for the first time, having your memory wiped, then getting right back on that same roller coaster again. Endless shock and wonder.

So here’s to you insane TV show theory guy, I salute you. You blissfully ignorant bastard. I can't wait to dismiss your many theories as the years go by.

Method Acting My Ass

Have you ever seen the movie Bowfinger? It is a hilarious movie that somehow flies under the radar despite starring Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. Quick synopsis, Steve Martin is a down-on-his-luck director who needs to revive his career and the only scheme he comes up with is to shoot an alien invasion movie starring the most famous action star of the times, Kit Ramsay played by Eddie Murphy. The only problem with this plan is that Kit will not accept the part.

So what does one wild-and-crazy guy do? He works around this minor hiccup and decides to shoot the movie anyway and film Kit unknowingly, forced into recreating movie scenes as if they are real life scenarios and filming Kit’s reactions in secret. This is of course before he finds Kit’s brother Jiff to do the part (also played by Eddie Murphy) who Steve Martin THEN decides to make into a movie star. Are you confused yet? Well you shouldn’t be, I have done a fantastic job at describing the plot.

During the beginning of the movie when Steve Martin first hatches his plan to film Eddie Murphy without his knowing, he utters this line to his assistant “Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie until two years later?” He is referencing Interview with a Vampire. And this notion that Tom Cruise didn't know he was in a vampire movie is hilarious. But it really begs the question, could there be movies out there where the actors didn’t now they were in them? Or did the actors in fact think they were experiencing real life events and that’s why their performances were so genuine? Well, I have a few performances in mind that fit this theory. Hear me out.

Any movie with Keanu Reaves

I really do think you could make a case for Keanu believing that he is actually the character in any movie he is in. He just seems that crazy. But I REALLY think Keanu Reaves thought that the Matrix was real and that he was being woken up to the fact that we all live in a computer simulation. How else could you possibly explain a big time Canadian hockey player high school drop-out in "real life" becoming a movie star and starring in a movie about teenagers who time travel through a telephone booth. And then that same person is cast as a secret agent surfer opposite Patrick Swayze in one of the all time great bank robbing movies? I’ll tell you how you explain it. Some machine intern outside of the Matrix wrote that story line for his creative writing machine high school class. And the crazy part is, I think Keanu realized that and therefore all of his scenes in the Matrix are genuine. He actually thinks he knows Kung Fu!!!

I can’t believe he took the blue pill. Take the red pill and live in ignorant bliss my man! Can you imagine how many cheeseburgers you would eat if you knew it was all not real anyway.

I can’t believe he took the blue pill. Take the red pill and live in ignorant bliss my man! Can you imagine how many cheeseburgers you would eat if you knew it was all not real anyway.

Get Out

Did you know that Get Out is actually a documentary? That is actually how white people live their lives. All of our mothers are hypnotists and all old white dudes wish they had the body of Daniel Kaluuya. The real miracle of the movie is how Jordan Peele found a way to film it. I can’t imagine Daniel’s relief when he found out at the end of shooting that it was all a fake.

"Wait so y’all were playing the whole time?"

"Wait so y’all were playing the whole time?"

Footloose

Apparently the story goes that a good friend picked up Kevin Bacon for a roadtrip and mentioned that there was a small Midwestern town that had banned Rock’n Roll and dancing. Young Kevin was so appalled that he demanded they detour their road trip to the town so that he could overthrow the local minister (who looked a lot like John Lithgow, who Kevin knew from his Hollywood career) and reinstitute fun in the town again. It really speaks to Kevin Bacon’s philanthropic side but I still can’t figure out why he didn’t think it was weird they kept calling him Ren McCormack the whole movie.

You’re telling me that this drugged out party man would be able to realize that he wasn’t actually saving a town from the no fun police? Come on.

You’re telling me that this drugged out party man would be able to realize that he wasn’t actually saving a town from the no fun police? Come on.

Leaving Las Vegas

This one might edge out the Matrix as my favorite theory so far. For those of you who don’t know, Leaving Las Vegas is a movie starring the one and only Nicholas Cage about a loser screenwriter who decides that he is going to move to Las Vegas and drink himself to death. It is basically a 2 hour roller-coaster in which we watch Nicholas Cage consume roughly an oil tankard of hard alcohol while acting ridiculous and in the process falling in love with a prostitute. It has actually been verified by sources in Hollywood that a camera crew just followed Nick Cage around on his annual trip to Las Vegas for two weeks and his behavior apparently fit nicely with the plot mentioned above. If you know anything about Nick Cage, it starts to really get believable. When told by the director at the end of the shoot that they had just made a movie of his drunken escapades Nick apparently became so mad that he said “Fuck you, I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence. Let’s see you catch that on film.”

I think Nicholas Cage might be the hardest mo-fo in Hollywood. If you don’t believe me watch this:                   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S73swRzxs8Y

I think Nicholas Cage might be the hardest mo-fo in Hollywood. If you don’t believe me watch this:                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S73swRzxs8Y

That's all I've got, but I think it's pretty convincing. If you needed more proof, think about this; each of the movies listed above was and is critically acclaimed. There is clearly a cohort of directors in Hollywood that have cracked the code to making a great movie and they don't want any of us to know about it. Just trick your actor into thinking he is living the real thing and keep the camera rolling.

If you have any other theories about movies that you think fit the bill, comment below!

Roundball Fixes the Oscars

Unless you have you're genuinely interested in what "brave" dress Meryl Streep is wearing or have a passion for the underrated art of sound mixing, the Oscars are pretty boring. A LOT of people watch the event every year, and almost none of these people actually watch the nominated films. The Oscars are so damn close to truly being the Super Bowl of entertainment, which is perhaps what makes them more infuriating. Hollywood is all about eyeballs, and the Academy should be taking any measure necessary to attract more people to the boob-tube each year. Here are my (and a couple other Pool Boys') prescribed changes...

Reveal the % of Votes Each Nominee Received 

Surely, if you are nominated and lose you tell yourself you were so close. Only missed it by a few votes. But how great would it be to see nominees reactions when they realized that they only received 2% of the vote. We could watch their souls get crushed on live TV. With no tape delay! The only con is that your aunt who considers herself a real movie buff and constantly bitches that her Oscar picks were soooo close, now has actual evidence to back this useless trait up. 

Add a Few “Worst of” categories.

Throughout the show, throw in a few worst performance categories. These are beautiful, rich actors we are talking about. We should try and bring them down to earth sometime. It would just be great to see 5 of the nominees celebrate when they don't win. 

“And the award for worst impression of a junkie from Boston goes to…. 

Oh if it isn't Mr. Six Inches... 

Oh if it isn't Mr. Six Inches... 

Go with a Backhanded Compliment Award.

I love the idea of a Best Comeback Performance of the Year award. It means you did so terribly last year that we counted you out. But you still surprised us all by bouncing back. Or how about a "bravest performance award" which goes to the most out of shape actor who went full frontal?

Appreciate the Little Guys

It’s astounding to me that there isn’t a Best Craft Services award. Food is the only thing that placates these prima-donnas. Shouldn’t we be celebrating the fantastic cheese plate that Greg put together to calm down the creature in The Shape of Water.

Award Something that has Nothing to do with Movies 

This is my personal favorite. How great would it be to hand out some unrelated award like the Fastest Actor in Hollywood award, which is given to that actor who has exhibited swiftness and foot-speed OFF the screen. If this is adopted, its going to make for some great Oscar winners who are terrible actors.  

Then LeBron would have as many Oscars as Kobe.

Then LeBron would have as many Oscars as Kobe.

We Need Bad Guys (Jack O'Shea)

Every year there are more and more protests that the Oscars seem to revolve around. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Hell, it would be a good thing if it weren't for the fact that every single person at the event AGREES with the protestors. If everyone is on the same side of a protest, then there really doesn't need to be a protest. Sure, the Oscars used to be a good vehicle for preaching your cause when the whole world was watching, but now we have Twitter. 

The Oscars needs villains. The whole thing is a competition, except it isn't because everyone is happy no matter who wins. Kevin Spacey should have been up for an award just so everyone could have a reason to truly celebrate when he loses.  

More Eiza Gonzalez (Jack O'Shea)

Seriously.

Seriously.

She made the rest of Hollywood look the cast of Napoleon Dynamite. At one point she spoke Spanish. Just have the whole event be her for three and half hours next year. 

Commit to the Roles (Bounds)

All nominated actors should come as the character for which they are being nominated. Not many people have seen all the nominated films, myself included, and it would really help if you could see all the characters in the same room, acting off each other. Just imagine, Leo army-crawling up the stage wearing a bear-skin pelt to receive his award or J.K Simmons shouting at the camera, asking the country “Are you rushing?! or Are you dragging?!”.

The Meryl Streep Camera (Bounds)

I think it’d help to have a camera on Meryl Streep, Supreme Overlord of the Oscars, the entire award show. I need her facial cues to let me know when to laugh, or cry, or clap, or pierce the host with a look of disdain for making a light-hearted joke about a serious societal issue.

Bros Weigh in on: HALO

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Jack Neuheisel

I’m by no means an authority when it comes to video games, but if your telling me Halo 3 isn’t the game of games, I’m calling you a liar and maybe even my enemy. I’m now 23, and Halo 3 informs an embarrassing amount of my life. Decisions are made, old scores are settled, and new map lines are drawn according to the leaderboard of this 11 year old game. 

 

 

 

Todd Anderson

I work in real estate, and let’s just say it’s real sweet. I’ve been on a tear lately selling low-rent housing to kids at my old college, so I treated myself to a second 36 inch flat screen and let’s just say it’s the best decision anyone has ever made ever. There’s nothing quite like tossing on a game of High Ground and sniping noobs from the tower while watching Happy Gilmore on the other TV. Sometimes I’ll toss a quote or two to the boys on their headsets just so they can get a taste of how the other half lives. 

 

 

 

Henry O’Shea

I was late to the Halo train. Back when people first started getting original Xbox’s, I was still lost in the forgotten world of GameCube. Unfortunately I bet wrong and was forced to hop on the Xbox 360 boat super late and had to ask which buttons meant what like a total idiot. In hindsight I curse my nine year old self. Just take one look at a GameCube controller. It’s the ancient version of a PlayStation 2 controller which is the ancient version of the Xbox controller. But I wasn’t the only GameCube fan. Remember in Drake and Josh when they had a “GameSphere”? Yeah. Me too. 

 

 

 

Trip Howlett

The best part of Halo Live is that you always win. If I pepper some jabroni full of needles, it’s because he’s a born and bred loser who probably has to ask his mommy to pay for his XBox Live account. If some nerd blows me up with a lucky grenade, it’s because he’s a fucking nerd who spends his entire life playing a fake game about aliens, and hasn’t spoken to a female in years, besides his mommy when he wants her to pay for his XBox Live account. 

 

 

 

Matt McGinnis

Halo Slayer, Nazi Zombies, Fortnite Battle Royale, these games are for the alpha dog in everyone. For these gaming gladiators there are no second bests, it’s all about competition and developing your skill. Energy swords, ray guns, tactical shotguns these things all have something in common, they’re for fucking beasts, and they’re easy to use in multiplayer. Destiny and Call of Duty Infinite Warfare are the worst games ever. If you like them there is little I can do for you, but if you’re worried, feel free to go kick a bed frame. 

 

 

 

Deuce Junior

Halo is like Copenhagen Wintergreen Longcut - it’s addictive, relaxing, and good for the soul. 

Despite All My Rage, I am Still Just Nicolas Cage

People poke fun at Nic Cage because he exclusively plays insane, eccentric, and insanely eccentric characters. But, there's a reason why his roles are always that of schizophrenic crackheads - he's damn good at it. 

In fact, he's so damn good at playing the personification of throwing star fidget spinners that he's cornered the entire market. He forfeited the opportunity to play the handsome straight man on purpose. He generously tossed those jobs to lesser actors like Brad Pitt and George "I live where you vacation" Clooney. 

He gives and he gives and he gives. While other actors are instagramming at Coachella or pretending to shop at Safeway for the People Magazine Stars: They're Just Like Us column, Cage is staring at himself in the mirror, sometimes for days on end, honing his craft. He pumps out movie after movie after movie, partly to pay off his debts to the IRS, but mostly to give us lowly fans another chance to get a brief glimpse at what peaking is. 

This is a tribute to Mr. Cage, master of rage...