I’m by no means an authority when it comes to video games, but if your telling me Halo 3 isn’t the game of games, I’m calling you a liar and maybe even my enemy. I’m now 23, and Halo 3 informs an embarrassing amount of my life. Decisions are made, old scores are settled, and new map lines are drawn according to the leaderboard of this 11 year old game.
I work in real estate, and let’s just say it’s real sweet. I’ve been on a tear lately selling low-rent housing to kids at my old college, so I treated myself to a second 36 inch flat screen and let’s just say it’s the best decision anyone has ever made ever. There’s nothing quite like tossing on a game of High Ground and sniping noobs from the tower while watching Happy Gilmore on the other TV. Sometimes I’ll toss a quote or two to the boys on their headsets just so they can get a taste of how the other half lives.
I was late to the Halo train. Back when people first started getting original Xbox’s, I was still lost in the forgotten world of GameCube. Unfortunately I bet wrong and was forced to hop on the Xbox 360 boat super late and had to ask which buttons meant what like a total idiot. In hindsight I curse my nine year old self. Just take one look at a GameCube controller. It’s the ancient version of a PlayStation 2 controller which is the ancient version of the Xbox controller. But I wasn’t the only GameCube fan. Remember in Drake and Josh when they had a “GameSphere”? Yeah. Me too.
The best part of Halo Live is that you always win. If I pepper some jabroni full of needles, it’s because he’s a born and bred loser who probably has to ask his mommy to pay for his XBox Live account. If some nerd blows me up with a lucky grenade, it’s because he’s a fucking nerd who spends his entire life playing a fake game about aliens, and hasn’t spoken to a female in years, besides his mommy when he wants her to pay for his XBox Live account.
Halo Slayer, Nazi Zombies, Fortnite Battle Royale, these games are for the alpha dog in everyone. For these gaming gladiators there are no second bests, it’s all about competition and developing your skill. Energy swords, ray guns, tactical shotguns these things all have something in common, they’re for fucking beasts, and they’re easy to use in multiplayer. Destiny and Call of Duty Infinite Warfare are the worst games ever. If you like them there is little I can do for you, but if you’re worried, feel free to go kick a bed frame.
Halo is like Copenhagen Wintergreen Longcut - it’s addictive, relaxing, and good for the soul.