Roundball Fixes the Oscars

Unless you have you're genuinely interested in what "brave" dress Meryl Streep is wearing or have a passion for the underrated art of sound mixing, the Oscars are pretty boring. A LOT of people watch the event every year, and almost none of these people actually watch the nominated films. The Oscars are so damn close to truly being the Super Bowl of entertainment, which is perhaps what makes them more infuriating. Hollywood is all about eyeballs, and the Academy should be taking any measure necessary to attract more people to the boob-tube each year. Here are my (and a couple other Pool Boys') prescribed changes...

Reveal the % of Votes Each Nominee Received 

Surely, if you are nominated and lose you tell yourself you were so close. Only missed it by a few votes. But how great would it be to see nominees reactions when they realized that they only received 2% of the vote. We could watch their souls get crushed on live TV. With no tape delay! The only con is that your aunt who considers herself a real movie buff and constantly bitches that her Oscar picks were soooo close, now has actual evidence to back this useless trait up. 

Add a Few “Worst of” categories.

Throughout the show, throw in a few worst performance categories. These are beautiful, rich actors we are talking about. We should try and bring them down to earth sometime. It would just be great to see 5 of the nominees celebrate when they don't win. 

“And the award for worst impression of a junkie from Boston goes to…. 

Oh if it isn't Mr. Six Inches... 

Oh if it isn't Mr. Six Inches... 

Go with a Backhanded Compliment Award.

I love the idea of a Best Comeback Performance of the Year award. It means you did so terribly last year that we counted you out. But you still surprised us all by bouncing back. Or how about a "bravest performance award" which goes to the most out of shape actor who went full frontal?

Appreciate the Little Guys

It’s astounding to me that there isn’t a Best Craft Services award. Food is the only thing that placates these prima-donnas. Shouldn’t we be celebrating the fantastic cheese plate that Greg put together to calm down the creature in The Shape of Water.

Award Something that has Nothing to do with Movies 

This is my personal favorite. How great would it be to hand out some unrelated award like the Fastest Actor in Hollywood award, which is given to that actor who has exhibited swiftness and foot-speed OFF the screen. If this is adopted, its going to make for some great Oscar winners who are terrible actors.  

Then LeBron would have as many Oscars as Kobe.

Then LeBron would have as many Oscars as Kobe.

We Need Bad Guys (Jack O'Shea)

Every year there are more and more protests that the Oscars seem to revolve around. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Hell, it would be a good thing if it weren't for the fact that every single person at the event AGREES with the protestors. If everyone is on the same side of a protest, then there really doesn't need to be a protest. Sure, the Oscars used to be a good vehicle for preaching your cause when the whole world was watching, but now we have Twitter. 

The Oscars needs villains. The whole thing is a competition, except it isn't because everyone is happy no matter who wins. Kevin Spacey should have been up for an award just so everyone could have a reason to truly celebrate when he loses.  

More Eiza Gonzalez (Jack O'Shea)

Seriously.

Seriously.

She made the rest of Hollywood look the cast of Napoleon Dynamite. At one point she spoke Spanish. Just have the whole event be her for three and half hours next year. 

Commit to the Roles (Bounds)

All nominated actors should come as the character for which they are being nominated. Not many people have seen all the nominated films, myself included, and it would really help if you could see all the characters in the same room, acting off each other. Just imagine, Leo army-crawling up the stage wearing a bear-skin pelt to receive his award or J.K Simmons shouting at the camera, asking the country “Are you rushing?! or Are you dragging?!”.

The Meryl Streep Camera (Bounds)

I think it’d help to have a camera on Meryl Streep, Supreme Overlord of the Oscars, the entire award show. I need her facial cues to let me know when to laugh, or cry, or clap, or pierce the host with a look of disdain for making a light-hearted joke about a serious societal issue.