This is Suckcenter

Over the past year or so, a confused old man has taken over the social media of an American institution. And even though #ThisPussyGrabsBack, I am not talking about POTUS. I'm talking about the @Sportscenter instagram account, which is so obviously run by an out of touch white dude, who probably minored in advertising, definitely made his bones telling 1990's Nickelodeon execs to crank up the slime, and has now boondoggled his way into ESPN's premiere Instagram account with a sales pitch full of hashtags, empty promises, and snake oil. 

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And now, armed with the eyes of 11 million followers, this old fart simply spins the wheel of content and goes with whatever the arrow settles on.

You can broadly classify social media accounts into the following categories:

1.      Trolls

2.      Reporting Actual News

3.      Discussion Instigators / Pot Stirrers

4.      Memes

5.      Personal Accounts

It is stupid for a social media account to check more than two the boxes listed above. Yet, somehow, in a reflection of the terrible producing decisions that lead Sportscenter to the failing program it is now, the @Sportscenter Instagram handle goes for ALL of the boxes above. My father once said “You gotta stick with what works”. Apparently whoever runs the Sportscenter Instagram handle never had a father, because they were clearly never instilled with that genius advice and/or they are clearly posting terrible content as a cry for help and attention. “It’s not your fault” @Sportscenter!! We are here for you. 

Take for instance the following posts (all posted within 8 days of each other!) which strike vastly different tones and make me never want to tune in for another Saturday morning broadcast ever again.

2/5/2018. The Attempted Troll Post:

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This seems to be a troll post. But it’s not even funny. Because it’s @Sportscenter. And because Tom Brady is a first ballot hall of famer. And because whoever posted this probably didn’t make their high school JV team. And no, I’m not a Masshole.

2/10/2018. Actual sports reporting. AMAZING! Coming from the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network! You did your job. Gold Star.

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Sportscenter actually sticking to what made it a staple of every blue blooded American male’s morning. At least before they grew up, sold out to the man, and watched MSNBC over a bowl of oatmeal and despair.

 2/2/2018. Trying to be a discussion instigator??? But how??

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As a sports fan, this one really grinds my gears. This is the type of question someone who knows nothing about sports would ask a group to try to stave off an awkward silence. This is Paul Rudd in I Love You Man asking, “Beatles or Stones?” as a way to make friends. This would be a stupid question even if you didn’t know that the MLB hall of fame is the last of the major sports HOF’s to actually maintain high standards. If you have a league that has existed for close to 100 years, how in the holy hell would you not elect someone who ranks in the top 5 in the most important statistics of his position (Rec. TDs, Rec. yards, and Touchdowns)? How? HOW @Sportscenter????

2/2/2018. The failed Meme. Because Sportscenter.

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This is a meme. Correction. This is an attempted meme. Correction. This is an attempted meme posted by a 47-year-old divorcee who thinks he gets it. But he doesn’t get it. Because how could anyone from an era where you called a family’s only land line to ask a girl out on a date ever understand people from the era of myfuckbook.com??

 2/4/2018. Kevin Naghandi’s personal account. Or rather, a post that should have been on his personal account. But it wasn’t, it was on @Sportscenter’s. This is the screenshot from beginning of the video. Link here.

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From a PR perspective, why would you alienate an entire group of your viewership by rubbing it in their face that their team just lost? Worse, why would you remind them that they have to listen to someone report on the event who took joy in its happening? That’s like if you thought you were in a traditional, missionary-sex relationship with Anastasia Steele while reading 50 Shades. Side note: men’s erotic fiction and women’s erotic fiction are vastly different. Men’s erotic fiction is not legally allowed to be published in the United States.

So you see, @Sportscenter doesn’t really know what it wants to be. It became of cornerstone of American masculinity by being a news station that reported on sports. That was back in a day when an idea so simple was REVOLUTIONARY. Remember in Anchorman 2 when Ron Burgundy couldn’t believe there was a 24-hour news cycle? Now Sportscenter wants to stay relevant with the next generation by appealing to what they think we want to see. Unfortunately, the group they have assembled to post on the Instagram account is not on the same page and is woefully unknowledgeable about what our generation wants to read, and from whom. We still want sports reporting, ESPN! We don’t need our memes, trolls, and discussion topics from you. As my college rugby friends from England would say, back yourself! Stick with what works, because what you’re doing does not.