You know how Sandra Bullock felt in the movie Gravity, when she is falling at like 100 miles per hour in space and has no control of herself? Well that’s how I feel about this super bowl.
The Patriots have won consistently for decades now, and I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’d rather be bullied on a playground and forced to lick white dogshit than see them win again. And understand where I’m coming from. As a 5’11 white guy with mediocre footspeed, I appreciate Brady throwing to a bunch of little munchkins like me year after year. But, if the Pats win, the world will only suck off Tom Brady even more. New England Clam Chowder will replace Turkeys on Thanksgiving, and even turkeys don’t want that.
So I should root for the Eagles, right? Wrong. The Eagles are the trashiest goddamn sports team in the world, just narrowly beating out the Phillies and the Flyers. Philly won by 31 points in the NFC Championship, and their inbred cheesesteak faced fans still threw beer bottles at the Vikings faithful leaving “the Linc.” They left their city dirtier than Baltimore during the riots, AND THEY WON THE GAME!
If Wentz didn’t get hurt, the game might actually have been worth watching just to see a young stud take on the veteran. This was Wentz’s year! What are the odds that a guy that ugly happens to be the lookalike of an English Prince? And he was replaced by a lookalike of Napoleon Dynamite no less.
If Philly wins, the city might implode. No more Always Sunny, no more stupid green spandex wearing piece of shit.
For the first time in my life, I will only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, and to see Tom Brady, and to see Timberlake’s abs during the halftime show, and to tear up during the inevitable Budweiser commercial featuring a Clydesdale defending a puppy from a horde of wolves. Jesus, I’m turning into my mother.