Outrage at the Grammys

 “I am outraged” one local woman said in response to her favorite song not winning any Grammy Awards on Sunday night.

“It’s a beauty contest. They weren’t even listening to the music,” said another disappointed viewer who may have just been quoting School of Rock.

An angry fan cools down outside after learning that Despacito didn't win Record of the Year. 

An angry fan cools down outside after learning that Despacito didn't win Record of the Year. 

For the nth year in a row, mobs of angry fans took to Twitter and Tumblr to voice their displeasure for the controversial awards ceremony that so blatantly doesn’t take their personal tastes into account when deciding which song is the best.

“I don’t listen to much Bluegrass,” a Starbucks barista told this investigative reporter, “but I literally almost passed out when I heard that Infamous Stringdusters beat out Rhonda Vincent and the Rage for Best Bluegrass Album.”

She makes a wicked pot of decaf.

She makes a wicked pot of decaf.

For decades now, The Grammy’s have been a touchy subject – one that could transform any Thanksgiving dinner into an episode of Crossfire. Last night’s show certainly didn’t change that when they chose to announce the winners for the 60th year in a row.

I sat down with award show’s red carpet production coordinator, Bobson Dugnutt, to discuss the future of Twitter’s favorite award show.

“The Grammy’s are still in its adolescence,” according to Dugnutt. “It’s like, we’re at a fork in the road. Do we class up the joint and only nominate bands that people in Portland have heard of, or do we continue on our current trajectory and just let Taylor Swift win all the awards? Do we come up with fresh categories, like Best Song that features a Standup Bass? Or do we sell out and give people the categories they really want, like Best Album to Listen to on Molly? Would it be crazy to nominate only black people, like the BET Awards? Yeah, that’s probably not the best idea.”

At this point in our conversation, Dugnutt’s radio earpiece started going off like a howler monkey. He politely explained that the show’s security has mistaken Lady Gaga for Tilda Swinton, and refused her access to the red carpet, and that we would have to cut the interview short. He then jogged towards the scene of the action slowly, knees barely bending as if he was just being polite for some chivalrous stranger who decided to hold the door open for him while he was still 30 feet away.

Tilda Swinton after arguing her way onto the carpet. 

Tilda Swinton after arguing her way onto the carpet. 

Within a minute, the barely sweating Dugnutt returned and apologized. “It was Tilda after all,” he said, breath intact. When I asked him why the critically acclaimed, yet off putting, actress wasn’t allowed entry, the coordinator simply shook his head. “It’s a long story. We settled out of court.”

The night pressed on like it always has and seemingly always will. The Grammy’s awarded musicians only the youngest generation listens to, on a channel the youngest generation does not know exists.

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