Last week Buzzfeed had their readers vote for each of the 2018 Academy Award categories. Now, I dislike both Buzzfeed and The Academy Awards but for very different reasons. Buzzfeed, in my opinion, is the worst thing to happen to the Internet since the invention of that McAfee anti-virus shit that is always asking me to do a software update.
Buzzfeed is the crack of the inner city that is the Internet - it’s cheap, it’s addictive, and it’s completely repurposed. They make three types of content: lists, quizzes, and videos of their employees listing things or being quizzed. They live and die by the gif, which they use as sentence-finishing evidence to their half-assed arguments about why pizza and ice cream are #squadgoals. Their entire ecosystem completely revolves around readers tagging their friends in the comments usually along with a “lmao #14 is so us!” Buzzfeed sucks. They should call it Suckfeed.
OMG this is ussssss!
The Oscars are an entirely different breed of annoying. They cater completely towards the pretentious snobs who think high enough of themselves to judge the difference between sound editing and sound mixing. I actually do both of those things, and I couldn’t tell you the difference. The Oscars are award show version of people who only like bands other people have never heard of, so they can feel like a hip outsider, not consumed by this buzz eat feed world. I watch a lot of movies, and I haven’t seen most of the ones that get nominated, because they just aren’t the best movies. They’re the movies that self-inflated hipsters call “important” and never watch again for the rest of their life. The Oscars suck. They should call it The Suckscars.
So, what movies do the Suckfeed readers think should go home with Suckscar gold? Let’s look at the results:
Get Out takes the night by winning all 5 of the awards it was nominated for. Get Out is a solid movie, sure, but more importantly it’s a movie that everyone of your friends says is amazeballs.
Baby Driver takes home 3, also winning every category it was nominated for. It wins best editing, sound mixing, and sound editing – three categories only like 8 people are really qualified to judge, and for that reason probably shouldn’t even be categories in the first place.
Star Wars and I, Tonya, and Beauty and the Beast each win 2 awards. Heroin(e) and Icarus win the documentary awards since they are the only nominees available on Netflix. Call Me by Your Name wins best adapted screenplay, which bothers me the most. Not because it’s a terrible movie, but because I know with complete certainty that none of the readers polled actually saw the movie. They just know it’s about a gay couple, and since, like pretty much everybody, they support gay rights, it should win the award by default.
The rest of the awards go to the one nominated movie in the category that people have actually heard of. If you can believe it, Phantom Thread went home empty handed.
What really sucks is that I clearly suck most of all, since I’m such a douche as to rip on two things everybody loves to give myself some sort of self-satisfaction as I watch The Office finale for the 19th time.
I too live and die by the gif