Paddington 2: What the Fuck is Paddington 2

For the 3rd week in a row, Jumanji has won the box office. Which makes sense; it’s a sequel, it has The Rock, it has action, comedy, romance, and it’s a film that will make both parents and kids laugh. In all likelihood, it was engineered in some backroom at MIT by a bunch of nerds who are taking a break from counting cards with Professor Kevin Spacey.



Yes, it makes sense that Jumanji is doing well, but what doesn’t make sense is that there is a movie out in 3,702 theaters right now that has all of these qualities (except replace The Rock with his British counterpart, Hugh Grant) that raked in a measly $8 million this weekend. Oh, and by all metrics, it’s the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!

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Paddington 2 baffles me. It hasn’t left my mind in 10 days. Statistically, this family flick about a London-based grizzly bear is better than Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Toy Story 3. Hell, Paddington 2 makes Braveheart look like a Lifetime movie. And yet, most people not wearing a redcoat and minding the gap are completely unaware it exists.

I’m baffled. I’m utterly perplexed. Here is what we know:

1.     Paddington 2 is only the 4th movie in history to receive 100% positive reviews with more than 100 critics on Rotten Tomatoes.

2.     It is officially the best reviewed movie of all time.

3.     It’s about a tea-drinking grizzly bear who is pals with Hugh Grant.

I mean, I get that a lot of people might like it, but someone has to hate it, right? Forrest Gump has over 400 one-star reviews on IMDB, and you’re telling me that Paddington 2 has displeased no one?!

I need someone who has seen it to text me about it. Someone I know. Not some stranger from the Internet. I’m still pretty sure that this is some elaborate hoax like the white/blue dress and everyone is just fucking with me.

It's not funny anymore. It's white and gold. 

It's not funny anymore. It's white and gold. 

I refuse to see it. I’m saving it for my deathbed. I the glory that is Paddington in a prison costume be the last thing I ever see.